him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Goat cheese is for herders.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
He just like my cat fr
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.