him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.