him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
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[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Growing up was a huge mistake
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’