him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?