Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
opening twitter today
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.