Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
#CatsOnTwitter
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
🤷♀️
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit