Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

This guy’s not having it 😆

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.