Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

oh shit

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*