Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Inside me are two wolves, I should’ve stopped eating after the first one.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic
Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
4: Let’s play.
4: You can be the mommy.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?
Goldfish defendant: Yes.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.