@jellybnbonanza

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

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@Ndeshi_M

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

@JoshuaHvr

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

@seamussaid

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

@DaddyJew

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

@Michael1979

QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix

@ZackBornstein

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

@lmegordon

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

@Audenary

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

@awkwardphilippe

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.