Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”