Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament