@krisv_723

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

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@jazmasta

Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

@hrtbps

The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”

@curlycomedy

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

@TheToddWilliams

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

@Birdhumms

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

@ramblinma

Me: “Do that thing I like.”

Husband: *orders pizza*

@sixthformpoet

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.

@Where__wolf

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

@TheAlexNevil

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?