Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

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Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.


The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”


You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.


SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.


*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent


Me: “Do that thing I like.”

Husband: *orders pizza*


Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.


This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds


People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet


Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?