Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*