HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
much to think about
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
