HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Nice try, NASA
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
