Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave