HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
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I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.