Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Human are so complicated
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
