Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Rooting for the overdog
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
