Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
love pickles so much i put myself in one
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
