Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
wut hotdog?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
