Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between