Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.