Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
May have had one breakfast too many
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Sooo many times…..
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.