Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

When they try to steal your moment.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

When libraries troll their patrons.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.