Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]