Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.