Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
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I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!
– how I threaten my kids
Lack of milkshakes may cause lack of bladder control.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’