@skickwriter

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

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@ThugRaccoons

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

@JimmerThatisAll

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

@TheMichaelRock

Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.

@chuuew

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

@TheMichaelRock

Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

@OldUncleDaveO

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

@ericsshadow

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

@Darlainky

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’