Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

“you look easy to draw”

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”