Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

who did the taste test?

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean