Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside