Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I ate everything, including the H.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.