Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
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3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
i can’t wait that long