Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These are my roll models.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.