Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
She was REALLY feeling it.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”