Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

This squirrel eats better than I do

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”