Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
me as a parent
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!