Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Am I having a stroke?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
that wasn’t the question
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.