him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.