Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

😂

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Pretty much. 🤣

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever