him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me too 😆
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-