him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
british sex workers really pound for pound
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
