Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday