Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.