Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.