Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
#milo
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS