Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
🔦🌙👣
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.