Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
You Might Also Like
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.