Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again