Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?