Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.