Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
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(2022)
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.