Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
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The most accurate map ever devised.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
they really do be looking like this
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway