Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

#JohnTravolta

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

#Caturday

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

We’ve all been there

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

based al yankovic

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.