Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
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The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
What?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Girl, same.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation