Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Easy enough.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.