Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Social distancing in Australia:
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I think this should do it.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude