Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
