Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.