Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead