Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

handsome & gretel

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.