Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
🖤✌🏽
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Sounds like a real hoot.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.