Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks