Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.