Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……