Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
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Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there