Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

honey, bring out the fine china.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.