Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
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surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
True
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license