Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
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*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
not for long
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!