Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

Sorry. Not sorry

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power