Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.