HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’m being attacked 😭
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them