HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.