Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego