Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like