Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

I cannot stop laughing at this

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice