@dimplesticks

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

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@david8hughes

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

@RobDenBleyker

I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.

@junejuly12

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why should we hire you?

Me: so I can pay my rent

@WilliamAder

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

@sensualgifs

when you’re sick of dropping subtle hints to the guy you like and getting no where

@Jandalize

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

@TheMichaelRock

*wife notices the books all over the floor*

FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!

@Love_bug1016

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

@bananagrvyrd

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.